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Author: Nick Ozment

Oz loves Godzilla, middle-school G.I. Joe (not old-school, not new-school; middle-school, spooky stories, trees, and really too many other things to list here.
Were These the 10 Best Ghost Stories as of 1927?

Were These the 10 Best Ghost Stories as of 1927?

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photo 1In 1927, Funk & Wagnalls Company published a 10-volume set titled The World’s One Hundred Best Short Stories. Edited by Grant Overton, each small (about 4” by 6.5”), red, hardbound book had a distinct sub-heading: V1. Adventure, V2. Romance, V3. Mystery, V4. Love, V5. Drama, V6. Courage, V7. Women, V8. Men, V9. Ghosts, V10. Humor.

Before I get to the meat-and-potatoes of this post (and if you think that would be volume 9, you would be eerily correct), a couple random observations about the series overall…

First: what an idiosyncratic parsing of genres! Four or five of them would be recognizable genres today, but I’ve yet to see a “courage” section in any bookstore.

Second: I wonder what distinguishes stories of “love” from stories of “romance”? My first thought was that maybe “romance” was being used in an earlier sense — as describing literature like the tales of King Arthur and stories that we would today classify as “fantasy.” Nope. A brief perusal was enough to see they’re romance stories in the modern sense.

Third: “Drama” here is meant to denote what we’d probably just deem mainstream or literary fiction. That volume includes stories by Kathleen Norris, Stephen Crane, and Guy de Maupassant (“The Necklace”, one of my first introductions to “literary fiction” in school — a story that fostered the oft-reinforced impression that “literary” fiction has to be depressing). “Drama” as it is used today — and back then too, for that matter — denotes stage scripts, at least in literary studies. Come to think of it, “drama” as Overton applied it to short stories back in 1927 is how it is now used in classifying films.

Okay, enough of the general observations. What really piqued my curiosity, when I came across these little volumes in a box dropped off at the bookstore where I work, was that ninth volume. Ghosts.

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Collector the Barbarian’s Corner: Hunting the 1978 TRASH COMPACTOR MONSTER

Collector the Barbarian’s Corner: Hunting the 1978 TRASH COMPACTOR MONSTER

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trash eyeOf course you’ll recall the Death Star scene in Star Wars when our stalwart heroes escape the Storm Troopers by blasting open a panel, jumping down a chute, and landing in a trash compactor.

Han Solo declares:

“The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!”

And then the walls start closing in. But not before our heroes discover that there’s something else in that there garbage, leading Luke Skywalker to observe:

“There’s something alive in here!”

…That is, another life form besides a princess, a farm boy, a space pirate, and his wookiee sidekick. Something that is only glimpsed — specifically, a tentacle and a single eye stalk.

God, I loved that scene.

What was that thing? It is usually simply referred to as the trash compactor monster, but seeing as how virtually every aspect of the Star Wars universe has been fleshed out via franchise tie-ins, it turns out it’s a “dianoga.” According to Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki, it is not unique: dianogas “could be commonly found in trash compactors, garbage pits and sewers” and are “sometimes referred to as a garbage squids, sewer squids, or trash monsters.”

I had the original 1978 trash compactor set. Essentially a plastic box, it had a knob that rotated a screw to make one wall close in. In lieu of garbage, it was loaded with colorful bits of foam. When the foam, along with a couple of your favorite action figures, was sufficiently compacted, the door would pop open, spelling freedom for whomever you’d tossed in there.

It also came with the monster.

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WEIRD OF OZ: Human Soul for Sale — CHEAP!

WEIRD OF OZ: Human Soul for Sale — CHEAP!

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faustNo, not mine. But I thought I’d let you know that you can buy a soul on eBay.

In fact, right now there are at least four sellers offering souls at prices that range from “99 cents or best offer” (5 have sold at that price) to a starting bid of $1,500 (no bids on that one yet).

Pretty amazing how cheaply you can acquire a human soul these days. I suppose you would have to pay more if they came with a certified valuation from Sotheby’s or something.

While statements about the benefits of a soul have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, I doubt if anyone is going to bring a charge of false advertising against a soul seller any time soon. The claim that someone can send you a soul is so absurd that it falls under “caveat emptor”: “let the buyer beware.” In most cases, it is surely just in jest, as with the seller who has an opening bid of $7.99 and a “Buy it Now” price of $10.99 for a “used Human Soul ‘cheap’” that, according to the entry in “Item condition,” has been “slightly used and gently tormented.”

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The Weird of Oz Weighs In: Go Go Go Godzilla!

The Weird of Oz Weighs In: Go Go Go Godzilla!

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“History shows again and again / How nature points up the folly of man / Go go go Godzilla!” — Blue Oyster Cult

photo-9Our intrepid reporter on the kaiju beat, Ryan Harvey, has done a masterful five-part chronicle of Godzilla’s 60-year film history for Black Gate. Last week, he topped it off with his review of the American re-launch of the venerable franchise, which you can (and should) read HERE. I’m not going to retread what he has covered, but I think the return of the King of Monsters is big enough to warrant two commentaries! I find myself in virtual agreement with Harvey’s review, so I’ll just be adding a few random observations. Here are some of my thoughts after seeing the film . . .

First, take a look at the marquee I snapped a pic of while in line to buy my ticket. See the third film from the bottom? God’s Not Dead — no indeed, and just underneath you’ll see that he’s back in 3-D!

Okay, some may take that little joke as sacrilege, but you know I couldn’t pass up that juxtaposition. I also find it interesting that the first two films are Spider-Man 2 and Captain America 2. This week you can add the new X-Men film to the line-up — jeez, Marvel is ruling at the box office. Seems like they are the box office. So this is where it may be amusing to note that Godzilla, too, was once part of the Marvel world.

Marvel Comics licensed that other big green goliath from Toho back in the ‘70s, but they didn’t just do a spin-off comic like with many other independently-owned franchises (G.I. Joe; Star Wars): no, they worked him right into Marvel continuity! He battled the likes of the Fantastic Four. S.H.I.E.L.D. was on his trail as he rampaged across the United States. Spider-Man even had a brush with the atomic-powered lizard! A couple years back, Brian Michael Bendis (the guy who pens, like, half the Marvel comics in recent years) made the wry observation that, although Marvel no longer has the license to the character, they never wrote him out of continuity. In other words, Bendis noted, Godzilla exists in the Marvel Universe to this day. So up there on the marquee with all those Marvel superheroes, he is in familiar company.

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“I rolled a critical hit against Yog-Sothoth!”: Revisiting AD&D Deities and Demigods (4th and Final Part)

“I rolled a critical hit against Yog-Sothoth!”: Revisiting AD&D Deities and Demigods (4th and Final Part)

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cthulhu 3I’ve read dozens of H.P. Lovecraft’s stories, some of them (“The Rats in the Walls”, “The Colour Out of Space”) multiple times. I’ve studied his seminal essay Supernatural Horror in Literature. But I never have felt compelled to categorize all the various Great Old Ones and Outer Gods and work out their relationships in the overall “mythos” — for one thing, such an undertaking seems to undermine the intent of these Lovecraftian horrors, which was to represent the awful unknown.

August Derleth was among the first to go about classifying Lovecraft’s monsters in any systematic way, which tended to morph the work from pure horror into something more like metaphysical science fiction. Some fans have also criticized Derleth for using a Judeo-Christian framework for his classification, creating a dualistic good-versus-evil overlay that would be anathema to Lovecraft’s own worldview. The dissonance of this theme with the source texts threatened to jettison the original intent: conveying the cosmic terror of the mystery of existence and our precarious place in it.

Plugging Lovecraft’s cast of cosmic creeps into a Dungeons & Dragons pantheon and assigning stats to them (hit points, armor class, etc.) — as the 1980 first edition of Deities and Demigods did — seems vulnerable to this criticism to the utmost degree. Here are these totally foreign, otherworldly entities — and here’s how you defeat them! But it’s human nature. We love stats. We have to classify, categorize, label, and collate. It’s an inevitable progression that tends to water down the capacity of classic monsters to frighten (we’ve worked out how you destroy a vampire — stake to the heart, full exposure to sunlight — or put down a werewolf — silver bullet — or stop a zombie — head shot — so exhaustively that we have to come up with new variations and altogether new monsters to keep readers on the edge of their armchairs).

Still, I gotta admit it’s kinda fun to see what the game designers thought Cthulhu’s class levels should be, or how many hit points might be possessed by Nyarlathotep. If you’re going to introduce these beings into the hack ‘n slash realm of D&D, it’s bound to happen.

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OMG! Immortal Immodesty (Deities and Demigods, Part 3)

OMG! Immortal Immodesty (Deities and Demigods, Part 3)

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Whoops! The Goddess of Pain has had a wardrobe malfunction!
Whoops! The Maiden of Pain has had a wardrobe malfunction!

In my ongoing exploration of TSR’s first edition Deities and Demigods (1980), I must now confront the mammary in the room.

Did you ever notice there’s a fair amount of nudity in those first generation ADD books? I’m just, um, wondering if you guys did. I mean, I didn’t. I just noticed. Someone pointed it out to me — yeah! That’s the ticket! When I was twelve years old, I was much too pious to have had any impure thoughts toward Loviatar, aka Goddess of Hurt aka “Maiden of Pain.”

Okay, I may have noticed in passing that there was less modesty in those ‘70s and early ‘80s realms of fantasy, whereas with second edition on there is nary a nipple to be noticed. The cleaning up happened before the Wizards of the Coast buy-out and seems to track pretty closely with the culture in general (note many PG movies from the same era — say, the original Clash of the Titans — that couldn’t be shown on basic cable these days without heavy editing to assure that preteens aren’t sullied by viewing bare human breasts and buttocks, which they have never seen because who ever heard of the Internet?).

The interior illustrations are gorgeous. This is old-school RPG, so it’s all black-and-white line art by the likes of Erol Otus, David S. LaForce, Jim Roslof, and David C. Sutherland III.

To undress, er, address the tempestuous topic of topless deities in the temples, I must confess that, as an adolescent, I did appreciate the fact that goddesses by and large disdained mortal-kind’s prudery when it came to attire. It’s stunning, really, how many goddesses not only do not cover up their breastesses, but wear outfits that positively accentuate them.

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Don’t Just Buy on Faith: Finding Your Own Deities & Demigods

Don’t Just Buy on Faith: Finding Your Own Deities & Demigods

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAny collector of older RPG material will tell you that one of the “Holy Grails” is a first edition Deities & Demigods (DDG) from 1980. It is of interest not only to Dungeons & Dragons aficionados, but also to fans of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos and Michael Moorcock’s Melnibonean Mythos (not to mention Fritz Leiber’s World Nehwon, home of the greatest sword-wielding duo of all time: Fafhrd & the Gray Mouser). This is because the first edition (actually, the first printing of the first edition) featured gods and characters from all three of those pantheons. Later editions dropped the first two for legal reasons.

A first edition of this coveted tome just went for $56.98 (plus 5.95 shipping) on eBay after 17 bids. The winning bidder was probably ecstatic, because I’ve seen them go for a lot more (I paid more for one myself).

But if you start scouring the listings, you’ll soon notice many first editions being offered for as low as twenty bucks. What gives?

As with the gods themselves, when it comes to DDG, not all first editions are created equal. The Cthulhu and Melnibonean pantheons were pulled midway through the print run of the “first edition” (which throws the normal meaning of first edition right in the shredder, but never mind).

The best tip-off is the number of pages. The one you want has 144 pages; later printings have 128. Some sellers will advertise that they have a bona fide “Cthulhu” edition or that it contains the “Chaosium thank you,” but these are not indicators of veracity.

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Alignment Chaotic AWESOME: 1st Edition Deities and Demigods (Part 1)

Alignment Chaotic AWESOME: 1st Edition Deities and Demigods (Part 1)

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Deities_&_Demigods_(front_cover,_first_edition)One of the most fun, crazy, and controversial tomes to come out of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons was, without a doubt, Deities and Demigods (1980).

More wide-ranging (and less Eurocentric) than Bullfinch’s Mythology and Hamilton’s Mythology combined, here was a smorgasbord of most of the world’s major (and not-so-major) mythologies, presented as a one-stop shop for your player-character to choose a god or otherworldly entity to pledge fealty to and/r worship.

The vitriol of the religious right aside, Deities and Demigods did have its more thoughtful critics. In game terms, the early editions were kinda silly. Even though they assigned crazy-huge hit points and breathtakingly strong armor classes to the gods, said deities still had stats that could be overcome by powerful enough characters. As one critic observed, the book essentially turned the world’s deities into higher-level “monsters” to defeat — “bosses” for your 20th-level party to challenge. No room here for some metaphysical idea of a being that exists above corporeal, material reality and therefore cannot be “hurt” by a sword with a high-enough bonus modifier.

Later editions of Deities and Demigods (or Legends and Lore, as it was known for a time) ameliorated this “big boss” mentality by introducing the concept that some gods that characters physically encountered were but avatars, “aspects” or physical incarnations of gods who, being immortal and transcendent, could not really be killed.

That’s cool. Still, it is kind of fun — in a juvenile way — to leaf through Deities and Demigods asking such questions as “Who would win in a fight: Zeus or Odin?”

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Bazaar of the Bizarre: Sci-Fi Creeps and Horror Crawlies for a Quarter

Bazaar of the Bizarre: Sci-Fi Creeps and Horror Crawlies for a Quarter

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photo-13Because I don’t collect enough crap already, I’ve kinda started a new hobby collection. A few months back I shared about my childhood affinity for rubber critters, plastic spaceships, puffy-sticker monster faces, and a myriad of other pocket-sized products that could be had for a quarter from the supermarket vending machine. Well, why buy them individually when you can have the whole vending card?

You may yourself fondly recall the windows of enchantment that lured you to plunk your silver into the slot and eagerly turn the crank: displayed behind the glass were all the amazing things — artfully arranged and shrink-wrapped to a colorful cardboard backing — that might plop into the palm of your hand in an acorn- or bubble-shaped plastic capsule.

It’s easy enough to postulate a psychological motivation behind this new pursuit of hounding down vintage vending cards. Surely you experienced the same disappointment I often did: you’re looking at a rubber monster or a plastic tank with swiveling turret or a metal cap-gun; you go through the rigmarole of begging your mother to spare some change from her purse (this was often quite a feat requiring a great deal of persuasion — sometimes called “throwing a tantrum” — and it didn’t always pay off; in fact, the more you put into it, the greater the odds that you’d be denied on principle: “Well, I can’t give it to you now, because then you’d get the impression that you can throw a fit and get rewarded for it” — a line of reasoning that, as a new parent, I now find myself paraphrasing quite frequently); you succeed in scoring the quarter and feed the machine — crank crank crank — (anticipation) —  the clank of the metal trapdoor — the popping of the lid…

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Why We Keep Weaving These Webs

Why We Keep Weaving These Webs

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uncle hugosMy buddy Gabe and I, when we first met almost two decades ago, we knew — man, we knew our stuff was better (or was going to be better) than just about anything out there. It was the haughty arrogance of youth and ego, plus the fact that we just hadn’t read nearly as much of what was out there as we have now.

Consider, too, the impressions we’d formed in our teen years of what was most prevalent in the various popular-media streams: the (much smaller) fantasy book aisle was dominated by Terry Brooks and many lesser Tolkien imitators churning out derivative high-fantasy formula. Comics were still stuck in stunted-development adolescence, just on the cusp of the revolution when writers like Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman would kick that medium in its juvenile ass. Films were mostly sci-fi knockoffs of Star Wars or B-grade fantasy with special-effects budgets so meager they wouldn’t fund a single episode of a typical SyFy TV show. And television animated fantasy didn’t aspire much beyond Hanna-Barbera cartoons and He-Man.

In short, based on that narrow and selective assessment, any cocksure young tale-weaver could survey that crop and think, “I can do better than that.” But we weren’t the only Gen Xers who nursed such thoughts. Many others could also do better, and they have.

With our generation, speculative fiction has entered into what seems a golden age, borne out in all those mediums — books, comics, film, television (and add another medium that was just emerging from its nascent stages when we entered the fray: video games). Individuals with tastes and perceptions kindred to our own are drawing on the best of the past like never before, fusing with modern sensibilities what they mine from those rich veins to create some of the finest work the genre has ever seen.

And they’ve infiltrated all levels of the creative business. When I watch old He-Man and She-Ra reruns with my kids, I get the impression that those writers were just lazily phoning it in for a paycheck and couldn’t give a damn about the words they were putting to paper or the stories they were slapping together. Contrast that with the short-lived He-Man relaunch (2002-2004). It wasn’t a stand-out show by any means, but it was heads above virtually anything that cynically aired in the early ‘80s to sell us toys from Mattel and Kenner and Hasbro. Yeah, that particular corner of the market still exists to sell toys — to our kids and grandkids now — but the people who are creating the product were kids like Gabe and me, who thought, “Man, if I could have a job writing that show, I would make it so cool.” And they do have those jobs, and they are.

So where does that leave us, web-weavers in a surfeit of webs?

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