Black Gate

We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh god.

Planet Raptor (2007) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Horrendous.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Alien termite Ren fair raptors.

I got tricked by seeing a couple of names I recognized (Steven Bauer, Ted Raimi, Vanessa Angel) and ended up hate-watching this exercise in dull stupidity. A sequel to the possibly worse Raptor Island, this one pits a platoon of inept space marines against a medieval planet full of dinosaurs, lovingly rendered using PS2 graphics.

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We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

Hatched (2021) Prime

Just how bad is the CG? Almost okay except when interacting with lunch.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning, reanimation, gene foolery.

There are a couple of production company names that, if they pop up at the beginning, let me know what to expect. Uncorked is one of them. Imagine my surprise then, when this film turned out to be competently shot and, for the most part, decently acted.

Filmed on one stately location in the UK, it’s basically a hide and seek story with CG dinosaurs. Despite the (you would imagine) adrenaline-laced plot, it’s all very pedestrian, nobody seems overly concerned, and I counted four, count ‘em, four very slow head turns in reaction to growling, just before snacking.

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Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (The Asylum/Syfy Films, 2018), and Great White (Piccadilly Pictures, 2021)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (2019) Prime

What kind of shark? Lots of CG sharks and some ropey dinosaurs.

How deep is the plot? 10 meters.

Anyone famous get eaten? Only beans. Hasbeans.

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House Shark (SRS Cinema, 2017)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these – shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

House Shark (2017) YouTube

What kind of shark? A huge, rubber puppet. With three eyes.

How deep is the plot? One span.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

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So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Apex Predators (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? Stock footage and a rubber dorsal fin.

How deep is the plot? There is no plot.

Anyone famous get eaten? No

Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of respect for anyone who tries to make a feature film (having tried myself), however, I have not one ounce of respect for Dustin Ferguson, who wrote, directed and edited this utter shit show.

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Cosmic Sin (Saban Films, 2021), Empire of the Apes (Polonia Brothers
Entertainment, 2013), and Dune Drifter (4Digital Media, 2020)

This is Part III of a new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Cosmic Sin (2021) Netflix

Aliens? Alien… zombies…? Not sure.

CGI heavy? Plenty, with varying degrees of success.

Any good? A bit of a disappointment, really. I loved Bruce Willis once upon a time. Loved him I tells you. So it’s doubly sad to see him limp through the last decade or so, phoning in performances and generally not having a good time.

This film is no exception, but Bruce is the least of its problems — there’s the germ of a great idea about genocide and first contact, but the film doesn’t deliver, instead falling back on Frank Grillo scowling his way through some firefights.

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Inseminoid (Jupiter Film Productions, 1981) and Alien: Reign of Man (Pikchure Zero Entertainment, 2017)

This is Part II of a new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Inseminoid (1981) Prime

Aliens? Bug-eyed baby gravy donor, murderous spawn.

CGI heavy? Nope.

Any good? Released overseas as Horror Planet, this British film is just another of the Alien rip-offs that dominated video store shelves in the early 80s. Made for one million great British pounds, they saved about 50 quid by tacking a lengthy bit of narrated exposition to the beginning explaining how the fodder were on the planet, clumsily unearthing archeological bits and bobs. Judy (Space 1999) Geeson as the unfortunate mum is excellent and things get bloody very quickly.

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Battle in Space: The Armada Attacks (Allied Vaughn, 2021), Creature (Trans World
Entertainment, 1985), and Femalien: Cosmic Crush (Full Moon Pictures, 2020)

A new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Battle in Space: The Armada Attacks (2021) Prime

Aliens? A couple of decent, bipedal bullies.

CGI heavy? Fairly — some decent, some not so decent.

Any good? I got tricked. Going by the title and poster, you would expect this to be a fun romp about a band of plucky rebels fighting against an evil alien empire, right? Wrong.

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Demi Moore in The Substance (Mubi, 2024)

Just staggered out of the cinema, shell-shocked and delirious, after witnessing what will undoubtedly be the best film I’ll see all year.

Coralie Fargeat’s audacious debut film, Revenge (2017), concerns a young woman called Jen, who is raped and left for dead by three men. Over the course of the film we are witness to Jen’s transformation from a meek, fun-loving person, into a vengeful spirit of death. The film is stunning to look at, painful to watch, and brutal as all hell. If you have indeed seen it, then you might think you have an idea of what to expect from The Substance.

You have no idea.

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Primal Rage (Talent One, 2018), Wild Men (Goocher Films,
2017), and The Bigfoot Project (Fallen Films, 2017)

This is Part III of my new watch project. All Bigfoot (or similar) movies, no Yetis allowed. They must be films I haven’t seen before. All free to stream. Read Part I here and and Part II here.

Primal Rage – 2018 – Tubi

In tents? It had its moments.

Any good? Ooh, this was a good one. A survival horror with a dash of Deliverance and a sprinkling of Predator, this one features an Uber-Sasquatch picking off hapless hikers and hunters using primitive tools and forest camouflage. It’s a great looking monster, and the film is chock full of extreme practical gore. Chock full. I love it when former fx artists direct movies (see Harbinger Down), as the effects work is always front and center and beautifully shot.

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