Black Gate

House Shark (SRS Cinema, 2017)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these – shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

House Shark (2017) YouTube

What kind of shark? A huge, rubber puppet. With three eyes.

How deep is the plot? One span.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

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So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Apex Predators (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? Stock footage and a rubber dorsal fin.

How deep is the plot? There is no plot.

Anyone famous get eaten? No

Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of respect for anyone who tries to make a feature film (having tried myself), however, I have not one ounce of respect for Dustin Ferguson, who wrote, directed and edited this utter shit show.

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Cosmic Sin (Saban Films, 2021), Empire of the Apes (Polonia Brothers
Entertainment, 2013), and Dune Drifter (4Digital Media, 2020)

This is Part III of a new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Cosmic Sin (2021) Netflix

Aliens? Alien… zombies…? Not sure.

CGI heavy? Plenty, with varying degrees of success.

Any good? A bit of a disappointment, really. I loved Bruce Willis once upon a time. Loved him I tells you. So it’s doubly sad to see him limp through the last decade or so, phoning in performances and generally not having a good time.

This film is no exception, but Bruce is the least of its problems — there’s the germ of a great idea about genocide and first contact, but the film doesn’t deliver, instead falling back on Frank Grillo scowling his way through some firefights.

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Inseminoid (Jupiter Film Productions, 1981) and Alien: Reign of Man (Pikchure Zero Entertainment, 2017)

This is Part II of a new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Inseminoid (1981) Prime

Aliens? Bug-eyed baby gravy donor, murderous spawn.

CGI heavy? Nope.

Any good? Released overseas as Horror Planet, this British film is just another of the Alien rip-offs that dominated video store shelves in the early 80s. Made for one million great British pounds, they saved about 50 quid by tacking a lengthy bit of narrated exposition to the beginning explaining how the fodder were on the planet, clumsily unearthing archeological bits and bobs. Judy (Space 1999) Geeson as the unfortunate mum is excellent and things get bloody very quickly.

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Battle in Space: The Armada Attacks (Allied Vaughn, 2021), Creature (Trans World
Entertainment, 1985), and Femalien: Cosmic Crush (Full Moon Pictures, 2020)

A new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Battle in Space: The Armada Attacks (2021) Prime

Aliens? A couple of decent, bipedal bullies.

CGI heavy? Fairly — some decent, some not so decent.

Any good? I got tricked. Going by the title and poster, you would expect this to be a fun romp about a band of plucky rebels fighting against an evil alien empire, right? Wrong.

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Demi Moore in The Substance (Mubi, 2024)

Just staggered out of the cinema, shell-shocked and delirious, after witnessing what will undoubtedly be the best film I’ll see all year.

Coralie Fargeat’s audacious debut film, Revenge (2017), concerns a young woman called Jen, who is raped and left for dead by three men. Over the course of the film we are witness to Jen’s transformation from a meek, fun-loving person, into a vengeful spirit of death. The film is stunning to look at, painful to watch, and brutal as all hell. If you have indeed seen it, then you might think you have an idea of what to expect from The Substance.

You have no idea.

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Primal Rage (Talent One, 2018), Wild Men (Goocher Films,
2017), and The Bigfoot Project (Fallen Films, 2017)

This is Part III of my new watch project. All Bigfoot (or similar) movies, no Yetis allowed. They must be films I haven’t seen before. All free to stream. Read Part I here and and Part II here.

Primal Rage – 2018 – Tubi

In tents? It had its moments.

Any good? Ooh, this was a good one. A survival horror with a dash of Deliverance and a sprinkling of Predator, this one features an Uber-Sasquatch picking off hapless hikers and hunters using primitive tools and forest camouflage. It’s a great looking monster, and the film is chock full of extreme practical gore. Chock full. I love it when former fx artists direct movies (see Harbinger Down), as the effects work is always front and center and beautifully shot.

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Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (New Breed Entertainment, 2011), Sasquatch
(North American Film Enterprises, 1976), and Bigfoot (Syfy, 2012)

This is Part II of my new watch project. All Bigfoot (or similar) movies, no Yetis allowed. They must be films I haven’t seen before. All free to stream. Read Part I here.

Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes – 2012 – Tubi

In tents? Very nearly.

Any good? I’m not a fan of found footage movies, and of the scores produced over the years I can probably count the films I’ve enjoyed on one hand. This one isn’t too bad, but it falls foul of the ‘film everything’ trope, when just dropping the camera and running might have resulted in a higher survival rate. The ‘squatch fodder in this film is a production crew out to expose Bigfoot as an elaborate hoax, but realizing a little bit too late that there might be some truth to it all.

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Ape Canyon (Cyfuno Ventures, 2019), Bigfoot vs. The Illuminati (Wownow
Entertainment, 2020), and Big Legend (Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2018)

So it begins, a new watch project. All Bigfoot (or similar) movies, no Yetis allowed. They must be films I haven’t seen before. All free to stream.

Ape Canyon – 2019 – Prime

In tents? Nope – safe enough for my daughter to watch.

Any good? An interesting start to my watch-a-thon – this is actually a lightweight character study wrapped up in a dramedy, with nary a Sasquatch in sight. Right out of the gate, we are hit with the Moby Dick allegory that forms the spine of the story about a man-child in search of Bigfoot and meaning to his life, who drags his sensible sister along for the ride. Lots of bad decisions are made, but it’s gently satisfying and well made.

Hit or Myth? 7/10

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Bug Buster (DMG Entertainment, 1998), Mesa of Lost Women (Howco Productions,
1953), and Earth vs. the Spider (American International Pictures, 1958)

Bug Buster – 1998 – Prime

Giant bugs?

Not until the last five minutes, then we get MOTHER BUG (Doug Jones)

CGI heavy?

A couple of unconvincing enhancements, but for the most part, practical and sticky.

Any good?

I started out with a bit of optimism due to the interesting cast including George Takei, James Doohan, Randy Quaid, Meredith Salanger, and a very young Katherine Heigl. Unfortunately, the script was so poor and the direction so pedestrian, that it turned into a bit of a slog.

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