Are you in charge of a Barbarian horde? Did your family lay siege to a neighboring kingdom over the winter? Do you enjoy feasting on the thawed entrails of your enemy (remember to cook the meat well, first! Who knows where your enemy has been!)

Well, my heroic homemakers, spring will soon be in the air. The ground will thaw and so will the bodies of your enemies.  Birds will sing and battle cries will echo. Grass will sprout and warrior tummies will demand feeding.

The time to plan your Garden of Victory is now!  Here are some easy to follow tips and tricks to make it even easier than before, all while using existing resources.

Burn, Burn, Burn!

First, you MUST BURN THE WINTER SCARS FROM YOUR LAND! (I’m told this isn’t really a planting thing, but trust me, it’ll look cool.) Make sure your land is covered with combustible materials, like oil, dry hay or failed batches of barbarian moonshine.

TIP: Make sure you don’t set the fire too close to your home. If you didn’t destroy all neighboring tribes during the winter, add some coloring agents to keep the smoke interesting. You don’t want to start being predictable. Remember: predictable neighbors are invadable neighbors.

Fertilization Body Basics

Remember those piles of bodies or body part that you won’t be consuming? It’s the perfect fertilizer for your garden!  If you find yourself inundated with too many bodies for your garden patch, consider laying them vertically. You’ll have to dig deeper holes to fit them in that way, sure, but it’s worth it for the long-term benefits. If you still have too many bodies (look at you go, you overachiever you), then consider biological warfare.

Till with Your Family

This is great family activity, so make sure to get everyone involved! Gather your old rusty and discarded weapons, or the captured weapons of your enemies.  This is a variation of the three-legged race. Get everyone to choose a buddy, and tie a weapon (pointy bit down), in between the tied up legs. So we don’t have slackers, tie a weapon on both other legs, as well.  Set up a race, and everyone gets some laughs!  Extra points to anyone who accidentally unearths a head!

Seed for Success

Some people will argue this is the most important part of the gardening, but I call minotaur-crap (which is also good fertilizer, I’m told). You’ve already confused your neighbor with burning, you’ve cleaned up your pile of bodies, AND you’ve created some family bonding time. Beside, let’s be honest, you just intend to raid your neighbor’s food stores in the fall. So, plant some cucumbers or pretty flowers. It doesn’t really matter. Your garden is already a testament to your victory!

Harvesting Horror

Every vegetable will possess particles of your buried enemy. And, if you personally view that as a little bit gross, amuse yourself by pickling them and handing them off to neighbors. They’ll be grateful and maybe invite you in for goat snacks. Scope out their defenses while you’re there. And where their food stores are. Your attack on their land will feed the circle of gardening life.

There you go! Through simple activities, you’ve achieved a Garden of Victory. The best part is, if your can’t keep your vegetables alive, you’ll still survive the winter.  And that, in the end, makes this perhaps the most sustainable gardening plan ever. As long as you don’t mind moving every few years once you run out of neighbors, anyway.

Spring can’t come soon enough!

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Marie Bilodeau is an award-winning science-fiction and fantasy author, as well as a professional performing storyteller. Check out her writings and find out what the heck a storyteller is at www.mariebilodeau.com.