My next watch-a-thon is a favorite genre: crocs and gators. Unfortunately, this means the pickings are a bit slim, as I’ve already seen most of them, but I’ve managed to dig up 15 so far (supplemented with a Gila Monster and a couple of Komodos), and I’m sure the intended list of 20 will materialize as streaming services start suggesting titles.

Dark Age (1987) YouTube

Croc or gator? A 25ft saltwater crocodile.

Real or faker? A lovely, animatronic behemoth.

Any good? A thoroughly decent offering from the Ozploitation market, Dark Age is far from a mindless bloodbath sprinkled with spring breakers, and instead does what most Australian horror does: provide thrills alongside a biting social commentary. The croc in question is Numunwari, considered a God by the local Aboriginal population, but the extremely unpleasant white folks just see it as a trophy for their walls. Doubly so after it kills several people (including a rather unsettling attack on a young child).

The only decent non-Aboriginal character is Steve Harris, a conservationist, played by John Jarrett (who would go on to sever spinal cords 18 years later in Wolf Creek). He strives to find a way to stop the croc without killing it, and so begin the saltwater shenanigans. It’s well made, speckled with nods to Jaws throughout, and apparently a favorite of Tarantino’s. Loved it –- off to a great start!

8/10

The Great Alligator (1979) YouTube

Croc or gator? Actually a crocodile.

Real or faker? A big ol’ chonky puppet.

Any good? Warning: being a late 70s Italian ‘shocker’, this film kicks off with a bit of animal cruelty (not on the level of of a Deodato film though) and plenty of bare norks.

That said, it’s an enjoyable romp, backed up with a funky bongo soundtrack, and starring Mel Ferrer and Barbara Bach (dubbed throughout, even though the film is in English). The film concerns another croc God, this time an African one (the film was actually shot in Sri Lanka and features wildlife stock footage from Borneo).

Like Dark Age, the film concerns itself with more than just an angry reptile; environmentalism, colonialism and capitalism are all thoroughly speared (literally). There’s a great deal of ‘white savior vs. the savages’ going on, but it’s not too ugly, and all the racists get a decent comeuppance. The giant croc itself is astonishingly tame, more of a pool floaty than a killing machine, but it does chew the shit out of a VW camper van, so I applaud its efforts. I had fun.

7/10

 

Killer Crocodile (Fulvia Film, July 30, 1989) and Saltwater: The Battle for Ramree Island (Creativ Studios, June 1, 2021)

Killer Crocodile (1989) Tubi

Croc or gator? Crocodile.

Real or faker? A hilarious puppet.

Any good? Another Italian production to join the plethora of Jaws rip-offs, and another similar plot. This time a group of peace-loving tree-huggers are in an unspecified locale (actually the Dominican Republic) to investigate a polluted river. The toxic waste is not only bad for fish but bad for humans, as it has mutated a croc into a canvas coated styrofoam puppet that eats everything it sees with its googly eyes.

Cue some more white saviors saving the dark-skinned locals, a corrupt baddie getting his comeuppance and Lee Van Cleef-Lite jumping on the back of the titular beast and surfing it under the waves. A bit of good gore, a lot of bad acting and a soundtrack that sounds like the producer’s uncle farting into a tuba. Solid euro-trash. I liked it.

6/10

Saltwater: The Battle for Ramree Island (2021) Prime

Croc or gator? Crocodile(s).

Real or faker? Stock footage and a hand puppet…

Any good? Burma, 1945. Stories are told of a Japanese base on the island of Ramree that was overrun by saltwater crocodiles, leaving only 20 men alive out of a total of 1000. It’s based on fact, but the numbers have been wildly exaggerated.

That said, it would make a really interesting film as told from the Japanese point of view. Instead, we get a low-budget snooze-fest that could only afford two Japanese actors after shelling out for its four principal cast members. An inept squad of British soldiers (including one from the 77th Indian Infantry Brigade) are on a secret mission. So secret that three of them don’t know why they are there.

This squad makes Dad’s Army look like the S.A.S. — terribly written, 2-dimensional cliches (the befuddled old sergeant, a racist private, the quiet one (actually called Private Pike) and a very nice Indian) — and they soon find themselves up to their chewed knees in crocs. Way too much talking, not enough chomping.

Don’t believe that tagline. Dull.

5/10

Supercroc (2007) Tubi

Croc or gator? Crocodile.

Real or faker? Terrible CG.

Any good? I’m dragged kicking and screaming back to the reality of low budget crap by this one from 2007. Horribly shot (all extreme close ups or unfocused wobbly-cam), Supercroc is about a less-than-super crocodile that has decided to lay some eggs and go on the rampage. The US military machine (a bunch of soldiers in a park) try to stop it and mostly get eaten.

It’s dull, full of mismatched military stock footage, and the CG is abysmal — case in point, the 50ft reptile slides into the water with nary a ripple. Not good.

3/10

Crazy Tsunami (Splendid Film, 2021) and Supergator (Rodeo Productions, 2007)

Crazy Tsunami (2021) YouTube

Croc or gator? Crocodile.

Real or faker? Combo CGI and floaty puppet.

Any good? A Chinese production, keeping their recent fondness for glossy monster movies on the boil, this one is obviously inspired by the brilliant Crawl and the equally fun Aussie shark flick, Bait. In it, a freak tsunami in Indonesia floods Chinatown, and leaves a group of survivors fending off an African crocodile, which was being transported to a private collection.

Throw in some unscrupulous building developers, and you have a recipe for extremely moist mayhem. It’s derivative and hokey, and yet I really enjoyed it. Might be my favorite so far.

7/10

Supergator (2007) YouTube

Croc or gator? Alligator. Sort of.

Real or faker? Rubbish CGI.

Any good? Nope. Hot on the heels of Dinocroc, Roger Corman wanted to make a sequel, but SyFy said no. So he made it anyway, tweaked the monster design, had a nice few weeks in Hawaii, and produced this bit of tripe.

Kelly McGillis is the big name in this one, and she suffers through a tired script, hokey acting and lousy effects. It’s hard to judge a film like this, I’m not watching it for plot or character development and I guess if I was a 15-yr-old horndog I could grade the knocker quota, but in the end all I can ask is: was I entertained?

No, I wasn’t.

4/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Prehistrionics
Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Prehistrionics, Part III. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).