A 20 film marathon of werewolf movies I’ve never seen before.

As usual, the films must be free to stream.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

My Mom’s a Werewolf (1989) YouTube

Man or beast? Gradual, hairy transformation into rubbish suits.

Howlin’ good time? The 80s are arguably the greatest decade for horror and, perhaps, the much maligned sub-genre of horror comedy, but this one squeaks in at the end hoping to ride some Teen-Wolf coat tails, and it doesn’t quite succeed. The intention is there, everyone gives it their all to a cartoonish level, and John Saxon is awesome, but for me the jokes didn’t always land, and it felt horribly dated.

The film has a similar premise to the OG Fright Night (teen recruits monster nerd friend to combat monster and save family), but it was all a bit too cutesy for my tastes and, despite the promise of a great werewolf at the end, the actual makeups were a bit of a let down. Fun to see Ruth Buzzi again though, looking younger than she did in the 60s.

5/10

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (William Mishkin Motion
Pictures, May 1972) and Crying Wolf (Uncork’d Entertainment, 2015)

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972) Tubi

Man or beast? Brownface + hairy eyebrow makeups.

Howlin’ good time? This is a film from the notably sleazy mind of Andy Milligan, who once enjoyed stuffing his grindhouse efforts full of sadism and salaciousness. This film, however, is his tamest by far, with nary a whiff of sex or violence (although he does include a ghastly bit of sadistic treatment towards a live mouse, which is unpleasant).

The best thing about this movie is the title, but even the rats are merely a ten-minute distraction, presumably an after-thought, during this dull exercise in miserable family members sitting around moaning about being werewolves. The actual beasts appear at the end, when everyone seemingly turns into one and set upon each other for no good reason. Pretty awful.

3/10

Crying Wolf (2015) Tubi

Man or beast? CG/gorilla suit hybrids.

Howlin’ good time? Full transparency, I put this one on because Caroline Munro headlines it, but when she disappears after 5 mins, I should have done the same.

This is such an odd film, but not in the charmingly odd sense. Allegedly a comedy, it’s as cutting edge as a Benny Hill sketch but with none of the subtlety, complete with head turn ‘whooshes’ and slide whistles. The thin-as-tissue plot is padded out with flashbacks, and flashbacks within flashbacks, none of which bring anything to the story.

There a couple of fun gore effects, but it’s hampered by some lousy CG and awful werewolf costumes, and the whole affair has been re-dubbed using some lacklustre ADR and one awful American accent. The whole hot mess is narrated by a detective in a pub, and it comes off as a prolonged episode of Garth Merenghi’s Dark Place, but with worse production quality. Terrible.

3/10

Strippers vs Werewolves (2012) Prime

Man or beast? Hairy, humanoid, beast-faced bad boys.

Howlin’ good time? I went into this one expecting the usual crap (having seen Zombies vs Strippers in a moment of weakness a couple of years ago), but was a little surprised by how much I liked it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still rubbish, released the same year as the superior (but still rubbish) Cockneys vs Zombies, but clearly everyone was having a splendid time, and there were a couple of gags that managed to get a laugh out of me.

It’s a UK production through and through, taking place in Basildon (and finishing in Dagenham!) and full of your stereotypical Essex-types, but I wasn’t ready for the cameos from folks in need of new patios, including Steven Berkoff, Robert England, Martin Kemp, Lysette Anthony and Sarah Douglas (who was the best part of the film). It’s rude, slightly violent and full of knockers, which is to be expected, daft as a brush, but still more fun than many of the films I’ve watched during this project and I didn’t hate the werewolf designs.

Recommended for people who like Alan ‘Brick Top’ Ford and bosoms.

6/10

The Beast of Bray Road (2005) YouTube

Man or beast? Hairy, humanoid, naughty thing.

Howlin’ good time? It’s an Asylum flick, but don’t let that put you off. Granted, it’s the usual fare; two-dimensional charac… sorry… cannon fodder going through the motions, hitting their marks and spouting uninspiring dialogue. However, a great portion of the budget went on practical effects, including more loops of guts than a back-alley sausage shop. The gore was over the top and fun, the beast however was a bit of a laugh. In fact, this poster doesn’t do the film any favours, and I can’t believe they didn’t hire an artist to paint a kick-ass werewolf for it.

As it is, this one just reminded me of Zeb from Star Wars: Rebels (if you know, you know), and I couldn’t take it seriously. Ultimately though, it’s a better-than-most Asylum effort, and I was entertained, so… congrats?

6/10

I Am Lisa (Mutiny Pictures, July 2, 2020)
and Wolf (Columbia Pictures, June 17, 1994)

I Am Lisa (2020) Prime

Man or beast? Subtle lady beast.

Howlin’ good time? I’m glad I saved this one until close to the end of my werewolf watch-a-thon, because I was quite impressed with this indie film, shot on a low budget but spending the money wisely. It’s a tale of abuse and revenge, with strong female leads, well-written queer undertones and some lovely cinematography. I thought the director Patrick Rea handled the story really well and the score had a nice throwback vibe to it. In fact, the whole shebang put me in mind of I Spit on your Grave, with more teeth.

My only gripes lay with the sound design and the fight choreography, neither of which packed enough punch and let down the climax, but overall it’s a solid watch and I’m going to go ahead and recommend it.

8/10

Wolf (1994) Prime

Man or beast? Nicholson and Spader being hairy.

Howlin’ good time? Saved a ‘proper’ film for last, because it would be nice to go out with a bit of quality, and I hadn’t seen this before. However, I was wholly unprepared for how ludicrous and dull it actually is.

At the risk of invoking the wrath of those of you who fondly* remember this as being great, let me just express my surprise over so much before and behind the camera talent coming up with this wereturkey. It features amazing actors, Mike (The Graduate) Nichols directing, FX from Rick (American Werewolf in London) Baker and a score by Ennio (Ennio freakin’ Morricone) Morricone, and yet it is still as dumb as a bag of wolf nards. The lycanthropic plot is reduced to a subplot as the main focus is about a guy getting his job back, and its direction is a bit aimless (unlike Jack’s pee).

Is it a satire? Not funny enough. Is it horror? It’s got less teeth than grandma shark. Gah — maybe at this point, now finished with the werewolf movies, I’m jaded, cynical and ready to move on — but I really was expecting better.

6/10

*incorrectly

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

There, Wolves: Part I
There, Wolves: Part II
What a Croc
Prehistrionics
Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was There, Wolves: Part II. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).