My next watch-a-thon is a favourite genre: crocs and gators. Unfortunately, this means the pickings are a bit slim, as I’ve already seen most of them, but I’ve managed to dig up 15 so far (supplemented with a Gila Monster and a couple of Komodos), and I’m sure the intended list of 20 will materialize as streaming services start suggesting titles.

Killer Crocodile 2 (1990) Tubi

Croc or gator? Crocodile. Again.

Real or faker? A hilarious puppet. The same one.

Any good? A direct follow on from the first story, this time the offspring of the first puppet is doing the chewing. Nefarious types are still dumping toxic waste, thrill seekers are still inexplicably wakeboarding in the world’s muddiest river, and ladies are still getting their kit off for a leaden leading man. Actually, the sexy pillow talk is a highlight. “Don’t you know that fear and near death situations stimulate and heighten a man’s reproductive organs?” Phwoar, steady on, love, you had me at ‘Don’t’.

[Click the images for gator-sized versions.]

The first film featured an unsettling attack on a small boy, but this one ups the ante by having a whole canoe-load of kids get eaten while a nun prays for salvation. Glorious hokum.

6/10

Freshwater (MultiVisionnaire, February 26, 2016) and Alligator Alley (Active Entertainment, 2013)

Freshwater (2016) Tubi

Croc or gator? Gator, possibly.

Real or faker? Let’s just say, when we do see a gator, it’s rubbish.

Any good? I’m torn, and not in a good way. There’s an awful lot wrong with this one, the script, the directing, the editing, the score (dear God, that score), most of the acting, the effects, and yet it tries something different (no spoilers, but it’s not what I was expecting) and I applaud the ballsy ending.

However, when the intended humor falls flat but your audience laughs at everything else, that ain’t good. Makes for a good drinking game if you are counting poor decisions (the first being to watch this optimistically).

5/10

Alligator Alley (2013) YouTube

Croc or gator? Gators!

Real or faker? Reasonably dodgy CG.

Any good? Also known as Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators, you know exactly what to expect going into this SyFy slice of grilled ham, and yet it upends those expectations with a hearty fart in the face. Toxic moonshine mutates gators into dart firing rascals whose bites turn folks into more gators (I kid you not). It’s all set against the backdrop of a family feud down south, and is as ludicrous as you might imagine.

It’s rubbish, but it’s daft rubbish, which is about as good as it gets these days, so I’m not hating it.

6/10

Eaten Alive (Mars Productions, October 18, 1976) and Alligator II: The Mutation (New Line Cinema, June 5, 1991)

Eaten Alive (AKA Death Trap) (1976) Prime

Croc or gator? Nile Croc!

Real or faker? Cute papier mache monster.

Any good? Some good has come out of this ill-considered project, for I have finally watched the missing Tobe Hooper film in my life — a film banned in the UK until 1998 as part of Mary Whitehouse’s Video Nasty apocalypse. Though tame by today’s standards, the film does come with a warning for modern audiences as besides a bit of gore, it contains racial slurs and attempted rape.

This is Robert Englund’s first film role, and his big screen intro is “My name’s Buck, and I’m here to fuck.” Funny to think that he was roomies with Mark Hamill at the time, who was busy on his own little film.

The entire film is shot on a soundstage, and although the grimy motel is impressive enough, the exterior shots have an unearthly quality to them, surreal, dreamlike, bathed in red neon and resembling the last days. It’s atmospheric as all heck, with killer sound design, but it might be an uncomfortable watch for some (women are only present to get undressed). Neville Brand as the Norman Bates-ish ‘Judd’ is excellent, and the croc itself gets to do some fun chomping.

8/10

Alligator 2: The Mutation (1991) YouTube

Croc or gator? Alligator.

Real or faker? Stock footage and a rubbish puppet.

Any good? 11 years after the excellent and enjoyable first movie, someone decided to remake it, but make it boring. This film is missing two key ingredients, Robert Forster and a decent alligator.

Richard Lynch, Steve Railsback and Dee Wallace are welcome additions, but even they can’t save this dull ordeal. The story is the same as the first — a sewer alligator grows big and mean due to toxic waste, a corrupt businessman throws a party, rinse, repeat. However, where the first film kept its tongue in its cheek and actually showed us a big ol’ alligator, this one relegates its rubbish effects to the dark of the sewers, ensuring we see nothing for most of the film. Dull.

4/10

The Alligator People (1959) Disney+

Croc or gator? Alligator people!

Real or faker? Real gators and some great makeup.

Any good? One of those classics that somehow passed me by — I suspect the hokey still used in every book didn’t inspire much confidence in me — but I was horribly mistaken. Far from being the B-movie cheesefest I was expecting, it was surprisingly compelling, with a decent plot, lovely writing (the narration is poetic) and makeup by none other than Ben Nye and Dick Smith!

Lon Chaney is creepy as all heck, Beverly Garland is lovely, and the whole affair drips atmosphere and dangly moss. There’s a bit of abuse aimed at some (real) gators, so animal lovers beware, but I ended up both enthralled and charmed and I’m very happy to finally tuck this one away.

8/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

What a Croc, Part I
Prehistrionics
Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

---

Neil Baker’s last article for us was What a Croc, Part I. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).