We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

The Jurassic Dead (2017) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Rubbish.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Reanimation, dinosaurs, zombies, asteroids.

Just in case you thought I might try to start the year on a high note, might I present this tripe. The premise is simple: a Herbert West type (complete with glowing green reanimating fluid and dead cat) loses his job and decides to destroy the world. Somehow he has a T-Rex, which he zombifies, and then he turns into Immortan Joe and sets off an EMP just as asteroids wipe out some cities. A crack, sorry crap, team of commandos based on 80s action figures must team up with a group of hugely unlikeable civilians to survive.

Everything ends in nuclear devastation. Effects-wise, the dinosaur is a cute, Walking with Dinosaurs puppet, but everything else is shockingly awful green screen composites. Just terrible.

3/10

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (AIP-TV, 1968), and Monsters of War (Jagged Edge Productions, 2021)

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968) Prime

Just how bad is the CG? There is none.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Venus, dinosaurs, telepathy

There’s a Russian sci-fi movie called Planeta Bur that got cannibalized twice by AIP under the eye of Roger Corman. One version was Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, which I have seen, and the other is this one, identical except for 10 minutes of footage of blond ladies telepathically moaning about their dead pterodactyl.

This was made by Peter Bogdanovich and, a day after his death, I’ll let him explain:

Planeta Bur was a Russian science-fiction film that Roger had called Storm Clouds of Venus that he had dubbed into English. And he came to me and said, “Would you shoot some footage with some women? AIP won’t buy it unless we stick some women in it.” So I figured out a way to work some women in it and shot for five days, and we cut it in. I narrated it, because nobody could make heads or tails of it. Roger wouldn’t let me add any sound. It was just a little cheap thing we did, and people think I directed it when I really only directed 10 minutes of it.

It’s barking mad, best watched stoned, and strangely charming.

I was actually watching Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women as part of the Prehistrionics project when I heard Peter Bogdanovich died. So sad.

5/10

Monsters of War (2021) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Rubbish.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Monster pick n’ mix.

In a first for me, I recognized a cave in the opening shot, then a bunch of trees. Then most of the cast. Then a big house. Oh my God, the folks who made Dinosaur Hotel (covered in Part I) had apparently booked the location for two weeks, because they made a second movie there.

Chrissie Wunna is once again the anguished mother of two terrible child actors, and she once again has to survive in a big house surrounded by rando monsters (including T-Rexes, Kong-lite and other B.S.), and must try to get along with rando fodder (including a miserable nun and some of the ladies that got eaten in the last film).

I actually like Chrissie Wunna, she does anguished mum quite well, but it’s not enough to save this dull exercise in bad effects mixed with ill-considered decisions.

3/10

The Dinosaur Project (StudioCanal, 2012), and Jurassic Prey (Polonia Brothers Entertainment, 2015)

The Dinosaur Project (2012) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Passable.

Sexy scientist? Almost.

Mumbo jumbo? Hidden African dinosaur valley.

The film began with a shock as the StudioCanal logo popped up — what? You mean this might be half decent?

Almost. Coming off as a Lost World-lite, this had the makings of a decent yarn as a bunch of Brits descend into the African bush in search of Mokele-mbembe, the Congo’s own Nessie. A pterodactyl-tinged helicopter crash dumps them in the Dino-dollops, and the rest of the film is the team trying to survive/being killed one-by-one, all in fantastically annoying ’found footage’ fashion. It’s not terribly exciting, but it’s refreshing to get some real actors and the CG isn’t cringeworthy.

Mostly harmless.

6/10

Jurassic Prey (2015) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? The only CG is blood, and it’s rubbish.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Mining explosion wakes up a thick T-Rex.

There’s only one phrase worse than ‘A Polonia Brothers Film’, and that’s ’anal seepage’, but I’d take the latter over the former any day of the week.

Everything about this film — the plot, the direction, the editing, the acting, the music, the effects — is hot garbage. The only things I enjoyed were the cankles on the ludicrous dinosaur puppet.

Avoid.

1/10

Reptilicus (1957 or 1961) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? No CG, but some laughable compositing in the US version.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Copper mining digs up a regenerating monster.

And so we reach the end of this miserable excursion with an old one that somehow managed to slip by me, Reptilicus, the first and last Danish/US co-op monster movie. There are two versions, and I would love to find the Danish one, because the AIP US production is pretty awful. They shot the film twice, once in Danish and once in English, but smothered the latter in V.O., and it sounds like the dubbing was done by actors whacked out on cough syrup.

Reptilicus itself is less dinosaur, more Chinese dragon puppet, and it rampages around Denmark laying waste to some nice miniatures of tourist attractions. We know what they are because a couple of characters go on an extended sightseeing trip. All the familiar tropes are in place, including Dr. Frosty McDemiwave, and I enjoyed myself. It’s rubbish, but it’s nostalgic rubbish, and that makes it great.

6/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Prehistrionics, Part I
Prehistrionics, Part II
Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

---

Neil Baker’s last article for us was Prehistrionics, Part II. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).