We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

Hatched (2021) Prime

Just how bad is the CG? Almost okay except when interacting with lunch.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning, reanimation, gene foolery.

There are a couple of production company names that, if they pop up at the beginning, let me know what to expect. Uncorked is one of them. Imagine my surprise then, when this film turned out to be competently shot and, for the most part, decently acted.

Filmed on one stately location in the UK, it’s basically a hide and seek story with CG dinosaurs. Despite the (you would imagine) adrenaline-laced plot, it’s all very pedestrian, nobody seems overly concerned, and I counted four, count ‘em, four very slow head turns in reaction to growling, just before snacking.

Dr Fannypack McSpaghettistraps trips over a twig in one of the more laughable moments, but on the whole I didn’t hate it. Probably because I know there is much worse to come.

5/10

Dinosaur Hotel (Jagged Edge Productions, 2021), and 100 Million BC (The Asylum, 2008)

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Pretty terrible.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Unexplained dinosaurs, game show, floating robot.

Another UK production shot in a single stately location somewhere ‘oop North.’ This one is a simple idea; put a bunch of ladies in a big house and terrorize them with bad computer graphics.

It’s nonsense, but that’s what I came for — however, any possible enjoyment I might have teased out of this mess was marred by some pretty bad child acting. I realize this makes me a B-movie grinch for ragging on kids, but come on, there are decent child actors out there, and even if you can’t afford one, you can direct kids with a bit of care and attention. That said, it looked like the children were having a great time on set, so good for them.

The CG creatures were as bad as Hatched, and I might not be a compositor of any great skill, but even I know how to match lighting, film grain and focal length to make it look like your digital creations are actually in the scene. Still, it wasn’t shot with Uncle Larry’s 1998 camcorder, so a bit of it was good to look at.

4/10

100 Million BC (2008) YouTube

Just how bad is the CG? Pretty damn terrible.

Sexy scientist? Sexy nurse, sexy nurse assistant.

Mumbo jumbo? Wormholes, time travel.

The Asylum is great at getting knock-off movies out faster than the real thing, so just as Emmerich was about to unleash 10,000 BC, the Asylum churns out this dollop.

Potentially it could be fun, Navy Seals sent back in time on a search and rescue mission, but the effects are so laughably lousy, and the direction so wooden, that it’s a real slog. Not even Nurse Perky McShirtgape or her assistant, Crevasse McSlitskirt, can save it. Dire.

3/10

Raptor (New Concorde, 2001), and Jurassic Predator: Xtinction (K2 Pictures/Leverage Entertainment, 2010)

Raptor (2001) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? None! It’s all rubbish puppets and body suits.

Sexy scientist? Sexy Animal Control Officer.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning, Project Blue Book.

A swift glance at the talent involved in this, and you might be forgiven for thinking you had struck gold. Scored by James Horner, produced by Roger Corman, starring Eric Roberts and Corbin Bernsen (who is clearly having the time of his life). Well, maybe not gold, but not a polished turd either.

It’s ludicrous, decidedly dodgy at times, and features an unfeasibly raunchy Animal Control Officer, ACO Tightpants McTightertop, who might be a little out of her depth. The dinosaurs are hysterical/cute/rubbish puppets, but there’s some fun, practical gore FX on show, and when it finished I was actually disappointed, however that could be down to tonight’s choice of intoxication.

5/10

Jurassic Predator: Xtinction (2010) YouTube

Just how bad is the CG? PS3 quality.

Sexy scientist? Sexy Scientist Spouse.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning

A cloned mosasaurus is chowing down on hapless swamp denizens in this suitably hokey B-movie. Mark (Stargate) Shepherd plays the sleazy scientist with a couple of hillbilly goons in tow, and it’s up to his ex-wife (Elena Lyons, who looks like she’s not having fun) and the impossibly likeable Lochlyn Munro to make him ‘xtinct’.

The effects aren’t great, but they’re a step up from the usual rubbish, although the titular beastie could have done without the goofy eyes, and it takes itself far too seriously for this genre, but I didn’t hate it.

5/10

Terrordactyl (3rd Films, 2016), and Poseidon Rex (Titan Global Entertainment, 2013)

Terrordactyl (2016) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Actually, not terrible.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Meteor eggs, space dinosaurs.

Well, it took six films, but we finally got a good one (and when I say good, remember the height of the bar). Terrordactyl knows exactly what it is supposed to be and goes for it, bringing the humor, cheesiness and monster action in spades.

The gore is PG13 level, but the creatures were fun and well animated — the FX team did a solid job on the budget they had. The two leads were likeable, with great banter and action set-pieces, but the star for me was Candice Nunes as the cute, kick-ass, bartender. She was really good and, seeing that she’s in the next one I’m watching, Poseidon Rex, I’ll be going in with less dread.

This film put me in mind of Big Ass Spider — it had the same tone, and managed it on a lower budget.

I’d say watch this one.

7/10

Poseidon Rex (2013) YouTube

Just how bad is the CG? Horrible.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Mayan gold, aquatic sauropods.

After yesterday’s half-decent effort, I thought my luck had changed. Far from it. My one ray of hope, Candice Nunes, was wasted, and instead I sat through insufferable acting, lackluster direction and a script as clever as a parsnip.

The saddest thing about it all is that it was directed by Mark L. Lester, who was once able to entertain us with classics such as Commando and Firestarter — but here he just banged out some takes over a couple of weeks in sunny Belize, and then left it in the hands of an incapable editor. Co-produced by, and starring Brian Krause, who makes sure he hooks up with Dr. Pneumatica McSideboob, this is one to avoid.

3/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Jumping the Shark, Part III. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).