House Shark (SRS Cinema, 2017)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these – shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

House Shark (2017) YouTube

What kind of shark? A huge, rubber puppet. With three eyes.

How deep is the plot? One span.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

So here we are, at an infamous entry that should really be the film to finally break me during this watch-a-thon, but there’s a shocking twist! I started this film about a year ago, and turned it off after ten minutes, convinced that my time on this planet could be better spent. However having watched some absolute dross so far, I figured I might as well conclude it, and I’m glad I did.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is far from being a masterpiece of cinema, but it knows what it is and turns it up to 11. There’s actually some considered camera-work from the beautifully named Ron Bonk (director and 50% of credits), and the acting didn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out. In fact, I’d say that the principal cast gave it their all (Wes Reid was a highlight as a budget Jim Carrey doing a Gregory ‘Ahab’ Peck impression with such insane zeal that he won me over) and I genuinely laughed a couple of times at the rife movie homages and general silliness.

It’s stupid, gonzo as all heck, and definitely not the worst film in this list so far.

5/10

Open Water 3: Cage Dive (Odin’s Eye Entertainment, 2017), and Razorteeth (New Arena Pictures, 2005)

Open Water 3: Cage Dive (2017) Prime

What kind of shark? Great Whites, real ones. Minding their own business.

How deep is the plot? 11 inches

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

I recall being quite impressed by the first Open Water, but it was new, well written, and had characters we could emphasize with, brought to life by decent actors. This threequel has none of that.

Some Californians go to Australia, end up in the water, fight, make bad decisions and become entrees. It didn’t happen fast enough.

Tedious.

4/10

Razorteeth (2005) Prime

What kind of shark? Not sharks at all, but rubbish piranhas.

How deep is the plot? 2 microns.

Anyone famous get eaten? Hell no.

I thought I might be cheeky and slip in a piranha movie just for a bit of variety — and oh, how I paid for my insolence. It was a trap.

Prime has it listed as released in 2021 (it was released in 2005), it’s listed under ‘films’ (it’s actually a giant turd), and credits some people as ‘filmmakers’ (actually the Polonia bros. With Ron Bonk producing). Shot with staggering ineptitude on a camcorder in 4:3 with blown out, unfocused scenes featuring extraordinarily shitty acting, this is supposed to be an homage to 1978’s brilliant Piranha. However, my cats’ litter box is more interesting than this, and actually contains less crap.

Depressing.

0/10

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (Syfy, 2014) and Shark Exorcist (Stratosphere Entertainment, 2014)

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (2014) Tubi

What kind of shark? A sharktopus.

How deep is the plot? 4 spans.

Anyone famous get eaten? Conan O’Brien

Time to ramp it up with a movie from the Roger Corman stable that in any other list would be near the bottom, but compared to most of the rest of the films so far, was great. Competently made, real actors, cheesy but fun effects, this one features Robert (budget Don Johnson) Carradine, the least talented of the Carradine brothers, and a vast gaggle of cliches in beach wear.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a B-movie, but I didn’t want to chew my own leg off after watching it.

5/10

Shark Exorcist (2014) Tubi

What kind of shark? A rubbish CG chonk and some possessed ladies.

How deep is the plot? The depth of a small pail.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

Just going by the title, you know this going to be rubbish, but what KIND of rubbish? Actually, this is a step up from the usual rubbish.

Normally, a film with this premise, shot on a camcorder, with acting that ranges from earnest to ironing board, would be acutely aware of their own daftness, and play it for laughs. But Shark Exorcist, bless it, takes itself seriously, and it’s not a hateful experience. I’m not recommending it, but I’m also not tracking down every last copy with a hammer.

3/10

Psycho Shark (Cinema Epoch, 2009) and Dark Waters (Filmproduktions KG, 2003)

Psycho Shark (2009) Tubi

What kind of shark? A rubbish CG mega-chonk… eventually.

How deep is the plot? 0.2 leagues.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

Proving that terrible shark movies are not just a western tradition, Psycho Shark is a bizarre offering from Japan. If, like yours truly, you are enticed by the title and poster and are expecting at the very least a badly made shark movie, then I’m afraid you’re out of luck.

If, however, you are looking for a film about jiggly Japanese girls in bikinis jiggling about on the beach, then grab your sticky sock and buckle up. Just make sure you’re finished five minutes before the end because that’s when the shark shows up, and that would be weird.

There is actually the germ of an interesting idea here about a shark demon, shady hoteliers and sacrifices, but it never gets to rear its head.

3/10

Dark Waters (2003) Tubi

What kind of shark? Five borderline rubbish CG great whites.

How deep is the plot? 3000 ft.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

A stuffy bit of nonsense about weaponized sharks being developed by a shady branch of the US military, this one proves that I have been so scarred by many of the films on this list, that even a mediocre effort like this will end up in the top 10. It stars Lorenzo Lamas, who should have shelled out for an extra ‘L’ in his surname if he wanted to be remembered.

Here he beefcakes around in various subs, dealing with daddy issues and a lack of air. He is ably supported by Simmone Mackinnon playing Dr. Chesticle McTanktop, who keeps a snarky remark or cigarette hanging on her lip at all time. Somewhat remarkably, she also manages to keep her top wet.

The poor people roped in to play military types were given only one direction, shout, and the CG sharks do their best to keep the sets clear. All in all, a bit meh, but at this stage, that’s a win for me.

5/10

Shark Lake (Bottom Line Entertainment, 2015) and Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (The Asylum/Syfy Films, 2017)

Shark Lake (2015) Prime

What kind of shark? A bunch of CG cheeky chops.

How deep is the plot? 29 inches

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

Some effort was made, but the director has still managed to turn a fun idea into a dull slog. Here, Dolph Lundgren grizzles his way through an extended cameo as his character tries to make amends for a shark smuggling fubar. The film wears its Jaws influences on its sleeve. Ignored sheriff, nerdy marine biologist, needing a bigger boat (Jaws), water sport mayhem (Jaws 2), terrible English specialist (Jaws 3), a bit rubbish (Jaws 4).

Not terribly thrilling, but I do like Sara Malakul Lane, and Dolph punching a shark almost makes it worthwhile.

5/10

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017) Prime

What kind of shark? So, so many CG sharks of all shapes and sizes.

How deep is the plot? A 25 footer.

Anyone famous get eaten? Define famous.

Before I started this project, any Sharknado film would have been an easy target. However, compared to the dearth of pale imitations I’ve had to wade through, a Sharknado film is a blessed relief. The formula is simple: come up with a barking mad idea, spoof a bunch of classic films, scrape the bottom of the D-lister barrel, and blend. It’s as daft as a bag of badgers and just as noisy, but it knows what it is, and what Sharknado fans want, and it delivers in spades.

It gets a bonus point for ditching the sexy scientist for a worldwide cabal of ‘Shark Sisters,’ led by Dr. Norks McCroptop. If nothing else, it’s a fascinating examination of the somewhat sad destination of would-be celebrities, now pumped full of plastic and left out to bake in the L.A. sun. Google it, check out the cast list, and marvel.

Bottom line — ridiculous, and I had fun.

6/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Jumping the Shark, Part I
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Jumping the Shark, Part I. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).