Ice Spiders (Syfy Channel, 2007), Tail Sting (Shoreline Entertainment,
2001), and Big Bad Bugs (SuperNova Films, 2012)

 

Ice Spiders (2007, YouTube)

Giant bugs?

Very large spiders! About the size of a skidoo.

CGI-heavy?

Yes. Mid-2000s quality too.

Any good?

Big bug movie watching fatigue is a real thing. Don’t get me wrong, I could watch monster movies until the camel spiders come home, but sitting through the same old tired format is draining me faster than a Dalmatian-sized black widow.

The tag line for this one is ‘Eight Legged Freaks meets Hotdog: The Movie, so I knew I was going to hate it. A typical Sy-Fy flick, a bit of money was spent, and most of the acting is good (it features Patrick ‘brain sucked out’ Muldoon and, inexplicably, Stephen J. Cannell) but the titular beasties feature the usual sheen and weightlessness of that era’s CG. I also can’t stand young, good looking people who ski.

Snowboard? Snow bored!

I’m here all summer.

5/10

Tail Sting (2001, Prime)

Giant bugs?

Giant scorpions!

CGI-heavy?

None. All practical puppets.

Any good?

Oh dear. After a brief run of two decent movies, we are back with the crap. The premise — dodgy scientists are transporting some dormant specimens via a flight to the states. This flight is loaded up with stereotypes, we sit through some tedious banter, and then we’re off.

Naturally, the specimens escape (mutated scorpions that increase in size very quickly to the size of couches). There’s supposed to be twenty of them. The size of couches. On a passenger plane.

Do you see the problem?

The puppets aren’t very good (but still better than early-2000s CG) and the deaths are dull and uninspired. A bit of a slog.

4/10

The Vortex AKA Big Bad Bugs (2012, Prime)

Giant bugs?

Giant assorted arseholes.

CGI-heavy?

Yes. For the love of God.

Any good?

This is going to be the last of my early-2000s flicks and they have been universally crap. Stop me if you’ve heard this: an elite team of special forces (plus a scientist) must face off against hoards of terrible pixels until some bullshit happens and the film ends.

It’s not all abject misery though. It stars the always watchable Sarah Lieving, the scientist is not Dr. Booby McTightvest but actually a regular Joe, and the end is barking mad (but still rubbish).

For an added layer of whatthefuckery — look for this on YouTube, watch the version dubbed into Tamil and put on English auto-captions. Better than drugs.

4/10

Arachnoquake (Active Entertainment, 2012), Dragon Wasps (Little Dragon Productions,
2012), and The Giant Spider Invasion (Transcentury Pictures, 1975)

Arachnoquake (2012, YouTube)

Giant bugs?

Giant prehistoric spiders ranging from the size of a large grapefruit to a small camper van.

CGI-heavy?

Sadly, yes.

Any good?

I did say Big Bad Bugs would be my last crappy early 2000s movie, but I had trouble finding another film I hadn’t seen, so here we are. Compared to the other several thousand giant insect movies that were made in 2012, this one is a smidge more entertaining, but still forgettable. The evils of man (fracking) have unleashed huge, fire-breathing spiders in the bayou, and nobody reacts realistically.

Starring Ethan (Neelix) Phillips and Edward (remember me?) Furlong, and featuring Chesty McShortpants as a tour boat operator in a surprise twist, this is almost enjoyable save for the horrible CG. I’m giving this one an extra mark to acknowledge the sheer chutzpah of the filmmakers for showing two separate people trip over large sticks.

6/10

Dragon Wasps (2012, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Giant, mutant, fire-breathing wasps, about the size of a Fiat 500.

CGI-heavy?

Yes.

Any good?

Just another one in a long line of CG creatures vs. Random folks that include soldiers and booby scientists. However, this time around the viewing experience isn’t quite so torturous due to the earnest acting, especially from Gildin Roland as the voodoo warlord. It’s competently shot, the effects are occasionally passable and the scientist isn’t useless, so I’m not going to totally hate on this one.

6/10

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Giant space spiders!

CGI-heavy?

None, just huge, screaming puppets.

Any good?

Borrow the world’s largest Gouda wheel, hollow it out into a crude facsimile of a paddling pool, fill it with bargain basement fondue, fashion a set of lederhosen out of the cheapest American slices, and jump in. You still won’t be as cheesy as this film. Rubbish effects, mid-70s nudity, the skipper from Gilligan’s Island and lots of out of focus extras. It’s comforting to remember that films could be crap 45 years ago.

Fantastic — recommended.

5/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie, Part I
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Part I of I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).