Arachnicide (See Thru Pictures, 2014)

I’m sometimes asked why I haven’t got around to watching Oppenheimer or Killers of the Flower Moon yet, and that’s because I’m too busy watching this sort of stuff. Come with me as we begin our foray into the world of angry insects!

Arachnicide (2014, YouTube)

Giant bugs?

You have to wait for around 53 minutes for anything with more than 2 legs to show up.

CGI-heavy?

CGI HEAVY, as in ALL CG, including the environments, landscapes, helicopters, soldiers walking to helicopters, satellites, and the giant spiders.

Any good?

No. A flimsy set-up (elite forces targeting drug traffickers who lure them into a CG spider ambush), stereotypical characters (Dr. Breasty McCleavage, anyone?) and supremely tedious scenes of agricultural science presentations, military maneuvers and spider-fodder walking around in heavily blue-gelled corridors, makes this a real slog. However, madman that I am, I’m going to recommend you watch it, purely because it is dubbed from the original Italian, and the voice acting is hysterical. Seriously, they all sound like Duke Nukem.

Why am I doing this?

3/10

Camel Spiders (Syfy/New Horizons, 2011), Stinger (Shoreline Entertainment,
2005), and Tsunambee (Wild Eye Releasing, 2015)

Camel Spiders (2011, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Large camel spiders. Some the size of large spiders, others the size of a mini fridge.

CGI-heavy?

All of it. Rubbish spiders, bad muzzle flashes and terrible blood. Piss poor green screen and lousy helicopters.

Any good?

Awful. Produced by Roger Corman, who sadly doesn’t give a damn any more, directed with staggering banality by Jim Wynorski who counts Chopping Mall amongst his 200+ other exploitation flicks, and briefly starring C. Thomas ‘I need a new patio’ Howell. The acting is garbage, the script is tired and the only good thing I can say about it is the filmmakers cleverly made every single character impossible to like, thus numbing me from the tragedy of reality for 84 minutes.

1/10

Stinger (2005, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Giant scorpions!

CGI-heavy?

Regrettably.

Any good?

Here’s the thing. From the opening moments, I knew what I was in for. A dull-as-dishwater Aliens wannabe featuring unconvincing and unlikeable characters being picked off one by one on an unconvincing and unlikeable submarine. The acting is flat, the script is awful and the effects are dodgy. So, I watched it all in hope that I would have one positive thing to say about it, and at the 58 minute mark I have one. A single line, out of context, that made me laugh.

“Fucker sandwich!”

2/10

Tsunambee (2015, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Killer bees the size of shoeboxes.

CGI-heavy?

Hell yes. It’s the Birdemic of Sharknados.

Any good?

Sadly, no. The filmmakers had good intentions, but the film is hampered by a dull script and heavy-handed post-production. It seems they never met a filter they didn’t like, and the movie is over-saturated to the point where it looks like exterior scenes were shot in a white room. The actors are earnest and for the most part do a good job (I liked Jay B) but the characters aren’t very likeable.

One thing I did enjoy was the decision to add yellow items to the character costumes, thus making them giant bees themselves.

3/10

Arachnid (Trimark/Fantastic Factory, 2001), Cicada (Wild Eye Releasing,
2020), and They Nest (Kushner-Locke Company, 2000)

Arachnid (2001, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Giant, mutant, alien spiders!

CGI-heavy?

Some unnecessary 20-yr-old CG at the beginning (so you know what to expect) but also a LOAD of Steve Johnson practical effects — so I was quite happy.

Any good?

I enjoyed it. It’s a solid B-movie, but it’s got some talent in front of, and behind, the camera. Alex Reid plays a sassy badass four years before she would be sassier and badder-asser in The Descent. Brian (Reanimator) Yuzna produced and Jack (NoES2:Freddy’s Revenge) Sholder directed, although he has since pretty much disowned it. Short on budget, it was filmed in Mexico and Spain, and this may have influenced some of the casting, which isn’t great. All in all, dumber than a bag of rocks, but gooey, bloody fun for the monster kids out there.

It gets 3 stars because I love Steve Johnson.

6/10

Cicada (2020, Tubi)

Giant bugs?

Very large cicadas.

CGI-heavy?

A weird combination of astonishingly bad CG and embarrassingly shitty puppets.

Any good?

I honestly thought this movie watching project couldn’t get any worse — but this steaming pile of crap has all the production value of a 4th grade school production, but none of the charm. Horrible writing, horrible acting, horrible everything. Can’t even recommend it for an ironic laugh. So depressing.

1/10

They Nest (2000, Prime)

Giant bugs?

Slightly larger than normal cockroaches.

CGI-heavy?

A decent blend of real roaches and 20-yr-old CG (think the scarabs from The Mummy)

Any good?

After a run of dross, I needed a palate cleanser, and this did the job. AKA Creepy Crawlers, this was a made for TV flick by NZ director Ellory Elkayem, two years before he would make Eight-Legged Freaks. It’s a slow burn, but worth it in the end, thanks to a decent director, excellent character actors (Dean Stockwell is great) and a production company that knows its arse from its elbow. Some nice gooey bits, and plenty of ickiness. Good stuff.

7/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Part III of his survey of The Weird, Weird West. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).