You likely don’t know I have a day job in the tech industry where I have funded all my macabre obsessions for more years than I care to count. Like nearly everyone these days, my company is in a frenzy over artificial intelligence (AI) and all the cool ways we can/will use it. Through said day job, I also have access to the most current generative AI engine which got me to thinking whether or not this technology would eventually do me out of my Black Gate side hustle? Could AI create my GCN content in a seamless undetectable way, thereby effectively Cyberdyne’ing the whole BG staff out of existence? I decided to give it a go.

I had planned on the topic of this week’s article being a new big-screen offering scheduled to land in theaters on April 19 entitled Abigail. Entering all the appropriate links and prompts into the AI engine, I held my breath for the few seconds it took to return a response.

My initial reaction was dismay. AI’s article looked to be about the right length and was interspersed with visually interesting graphics. Remembering that I had pointed the AI engine toward my content, asking it to mimic the style and “voice” of my previous work, I had a moment of panic wondering, “Is this technology actually me, only better?”

The answer, at least for now, is thankfully no.

Here is how AI launched my GCN write up of Abigail.

Greetings, fellow denizens of the night and aficionados of the macabre! The shadows are beckoning, and within their embrace, a new cinematic tale unfolds. Enter the mysterious world of Abigail, a haunting masterpiece that promises to bewitch audiences with its dark allure and enigmatic charm.

Okay, clearly AI thinks GCN would be improved by sounding like a knock-off version of Elvira’s opening monolog for her TV show Movie Macabre. Also, I have no earthly idea if Abigail is/will be a “haunting masterpiece,” but based on my definition, it’s likely not.

AI goes on to say…

Behold the entrancing tapestry of shadows in the newly revealed trailer for Abigail. Directed by the maestros of atmospheric cinema, the minds behind Scream, the preview invites us into a world where the line between reality and the ethereal blurs into a mesmerizing dance.

Seriously, WTF…

Although Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett are collectively responsible for Scream (2022) and Scream VI (2023) as well as V/H/S (2012), and individually for mostly indie horror films I’m unfamiliar with, it’s more than a bit of a stretch to call them “maestros of atmospheric cinema.” That doesn’t mean they don’t have some skills, or that I’m not excited about Abigail. Of course, this excitement is based wholly on the trailer (bad criteria) and the fact that the directors are positioning the film as a reimagining of Dracula’s Daughter (1936).

Though AI describes Abigail as, “A gothic journey promising a symphony of darkness that echoes through the corridors of the unknown,” the initial Universal Studios press release says:

After a group of would-be criminals kidnap the 12-year-old ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, all they have to do to collect a $50 million ransom is watch the girl overnight. In an isolated mansion, the captors start to dwindle, one by one, and they discover, to their mounting horror, that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl.

Check out the trailer for yourself.

Being sort of a ‘monster movie,’ I’m heartened that Universal Studios is behind this. As I’ve mentioned here before, I’m cautiously optimistic that with their soon-to-be opened classic monster theme park in Florida, the studio might be carefully attempting to return to their roots; this following the colossal stink-fest that was their previous attempt at “Dark Universe” reboots of their definitive catalog.

Also, I’m rather partial to the mixture of horror and comedy, having fallen in love with the likes of American Werewolf in London (1981) and Fright Night (1985). It looks like Abigail is giving those same scares/laughs vibe, which if done right could be amazing. My concern is in the hands of these directors, they will overplay one or the other, leaving us with a story that doesn’t know what it really wants to be – frightening or funny.

Regardless, Chicago should have thawed out somewhat by April, meaning I plan to see Abigail in the theater. IMHO, we need more child vampire stories like Let the Right One In (2008). I mean come on, kids are pretty creepy.

The promise of a cinematic journey into the unknown, where shadows come alive and mysteries unravel, has ignited a spark in the hearts of gothic souls. Abigail beckons, and we, the denizens of the night, are ready to answer the call.

Shut up, AI…