Jem and the Holograms, that quintessential 80s animated rock band, is back!

First, it returned in a monthly IDW comic book, written by Kelly Thompson and illustrated by Sophie Campbell, which is totally awesome. Then, this week, a trailer was released for the forthcoming live action movie. To say it wasn’t well received by fans is a bit like saying that the sun exploding would be bad for the Earth.

BUT, as self-help gurus would say: Try and capture the positive in your day-to-day. And slay goats. (I’m pretty sure they say that.) And so, in my continuous pursuit to see the positive in things that are easy to hate, I looked at the trailer three times (!) to pull out some positive traits.

1 – Ambition Is Tough (And Unattractive!)

Ambition is a crap shoot. You might succeed, you might not. It’s good that the trailer clearly showcases that Jerrica had absolutely no ambition and had to be convinced to pursue stardom. The lesson here is simple: Don’t pursue stuff. Be pursued! It’s a real life fairy tale! Plus, as often showcased, ambition is unattractive in girls. Who the hell wants to be unattractive???

Be pursued. Be attractive. Live the life.

2 – Doing Things Is Also Tough

In the 80s cartoon, the girls were a bit older. But that was tough, as they ran an orphanage (with questionable success) and also ran a record label (with equally questionable success). Jerrica was manager and Jem was super star. That just all sounds tiring. Thank goodness for random teenage stardom.

3 – Making Things Happen is Toughest

Trying to break into something is TOUGH! The Holograms fought for fame and money (to save the orphans, naturally). In this case fame just happened, which is the right message. Don’t work for it. Post a video on YouTube and wait for the world to discover your raw talent. I’m completely not stressed just visualizing that. (Visualization is another self-help guru trick.)

4 – Synergy Was Just a Lie Anyway

This property used to have that fantasy element, which is how I’m totally sneaking this into Black Gate. But I’m glad they got rid of it. None of my red star earrings brought me anything but sharp pointy pain. She does once utter the phrase “Showtime, Synergy” in the preview, but without a holographic computer answering your every whim, it just made me feel sad and slightly abandoned.

5 – It is Truly Outrageous

Because you spend the whole time wondering if the trailer is a joke. That takes work, and we should appreciate that.

6 – It Shows You the Whole Movie

You don’t *need* to see the movie. It’s all there. The discovery, rise to stardom, break up of the group and obvious resolution. Plus, it has an artsy “see my shattered self in this shattered mirror” scene. Really, it’s all there. Saves you losing two hours of your life watching it.

7 – The Hair is Less Poofy

Wait, is that a plus? I’m a child of the 80s. I’m a fan of the poof. It’s still pink, so that’s something.

8 – There Are Morals

And they are as obvious as Orko floating in at the end of a He-Man episode and telling kids why drug use is bad. You watch the trailer and you can feel personal growth. The main message, I decided (after glass three of wine), is that the Real Enemy is You. That’s why they don’t need the Misfits, you see. Because Jem can take care of that all by herself, because the star making machine <enter other tired cliché>.

9 – You’ve Seen it Before

I’m pretty sure that this is the Josie and the Pussycats movie all over again, with social media. So, you’ve already watched one bad girl band movie adaptation. It’s kind of them to use the same script so we don’t have to watch another.

I think that’s it. I’m not sure – I’ve watched the trailer three times (!) and that required some wine. A lot of wine. What I do know is that now’s the time to read the very lovely Jem comic book adaptation, possibly while sacrificing a goat. Excuse me.

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Marie Bilodeau is a science-fiction, fantasy and horror writer, and a long-time Jem fan. She used to suspect Ross Campbell was the most awesome thing (er, person) out there, until she found out he was actually Sophie Campbell, and then she grew absolutely certain of the utmost awesomeness. Marie is now pretty sure Kelly Thompson may also be one of the coolest people out there, too.  And Marie doesn’t care what you say about this paragraph – it’s her bio and she’ll go on about whatever the hell she’d like. So there.  Plus, she enjoys writing about herself in the third person, and then pretending she has people who  draft her bios. Makes her sound cool (she thinks). She also doesn’t believe people actually read bios. Feel free to prove her wrong. She shall send you a treat (that’s the staff talking).  For (slightly) more informative text on Marie, go to www.mariebilodeau.com.